SUPEREN SMASHA BROTHERREN BRAWLANN
by Loke Groundrunner
Summary: A tale of political upheaval, conger eels and the strength of the human spirit in spite of overwhelming odds.
1. Chapter Declaration: Of WAR

SUPEREN SMASHA BROTHERREN BRAWLANN

A BATTLESMASH GALACTIBRAWL FIC

By: Loke Groundrunner

Chapter Declaration: OF WAR

I stood at the podium, preparing to not deliver the speech I was about to deliver. I cleared my throat, hacking up mucus containing screaming demons that had been raped by my motile cilia. I spat the mucus at the multitudes standing before me. They rejoiced.

"My friends and fellow countrymen," said I unto the audience of five, "The time for action is now. We of the Twelve Colonies have for too long allowed our common foe to oppress us and keep us in this doleful state of serfdom. I declare that now is the time for us to reclaim that which the Cylons, I mean, the Fangirls, I mean, the Cylonese Fangirls, have rightfully stolen from us so that we may regain our lost posterity and serve out many heaping dollops of justice relish upon their hamburgers of wrongdoing."

"But President Luigilin!" said Peachellen through her skanky ensemble as she stood among the thousands, "How are we to drive the Fangirls from the Surface World? There are so few of us and so many millions of them!"

I stroked my chin, opening worlds of possibilities in my mind's eye. My ethereal hand reached forth and plucked a fruit from the garden of intuition.

"There is a way…" I said in my sexiest voice possible as I massaged the Buddhist monk living under my chin. I turned to my second-in-command.

"Vice President Baltarfy! This greatest of burdens has fallen on your not-shoulders! You must unleash the GREAT ONE from His slumber!"

Baltarfy nodded his pointed headpoint.

"It shall be done, my lord."

MOTHERFRAKKING END OF CHAPTER DECLARATION


	2. Chapter Awakening: The Beast is Unleashe

SUPEREN SMASHA BROTHERREN BRAWLANN

A BATTLESMASH GALACTIBRAWL FIC

By: Loke Groundrunner

Chapter Awakening: The Beast is Unleashed

I made my way out of the conference room and stepped out into the blue crystal light of Jeeha Village. I could see the windows of the thousands of hovels below glowing like a mother whose Muay Thai Boxer had beaten up your honor student. The crystals on the cavern ceiling filtered their blue benevolence downward. A soft ethereal humming could be heard all about.

Snapping out of my reverie, I stamped my legpoints onward down the bluff. I passed many poor beggars, feeling great compassion for them as I kicked a puppy. What I was about to do, I did for their sake and the sake of all mankind.

I saw a middle-aged munchkin wearing a red cap and a strategically-placed palm leaf. He was the key that would open the door of endless possibilities. I took hold of my briefcase and used it to bludgeon him straight to the land of the unconscious dreamers, where synthetic chillout music is your only companion as you float on the undulations of the sound waves as your soul becomes one with the fabric of the cosmos.

I grabbed the fallen manchild and hoisted him under my right armpoint. I descended a staircase and stood before a great Greco-Roman temple made of white-washed shale made from the bones of countless heroes who had given themselves for the greater good of civilization, only to be misunderstood and ignored by the unappreciative masses.

I climbed up the temple's steps, my destiny growing ever closer like an unwanted girlfriend who loved to stalk me on Farcebook. I stood before a glass tube in the center of the temple. I could see the GREAT ONE floating in the core, curled in a fetal position.

Now was my time.

I raised the red-capped munchkin known as Ness above my headpoint and prepared to begin the arcane ritual, only to have my power-mad delusions of godhood emasculated by a female monotone.

"Gaius."

I was in such shock that I dropped the boyman squarely on his face, doubtlessly breaking several bones.

I turned. There stood Samusix, dressed in her skank dress made of red potato chip bags. Fear and disgust made their dwelling on her emaciated face.

"If you awaken K.O.N.G., image the kind of unspeakable chaos he will unleash upon the universe. At the snap of his fingers, the suns will perish. With a mere word, billions of lives will be extinguished. Carly Rae Jepson could become a star again with the blink of an eye."

She looked at me intently, her glacier pools becoming filled with jellyfish mucus.

"Please… this is not worth the price humankind could pay for its impetuousness."

I turned back to the tube. Indecision began to fill my nerve plexus, but I knew I must fulfill my sacred duty. I swallowed before I spoke again.

"The sacrifice must be made, Samusix. The Fangirls have taken away our homes. They have left us with no other option. It is time for the serpent to bite the hoof of the horse of tyranny."

I closed my eyespots, praying to whatever gods there were that they would forgive me for this. I took hold of Ness and bashed his face into the control panel which stood before the hoary cylinder. Sirens began to blare, drowning out the protesting voice of my beloved as she screamed at me. The red sludge inside the tube dissipated as eons-old tethers and wires were loosed from His body. The tube shattered into a million fragments, several of which became lodged in various parts of my five-pointed starfish morphology.

I smiled as a skeletal viola played. The apotheosis of mankind was nigh once more.

The GREAT ONE landed feet first onto the ground with a sickening splat that made my nerve ring tremble in fear. His moistened fur glistened in the stonelight as His eyes came alive with blazing hellfire.

My mouth hung agape. I dropped Ness once more, breaking his nose and causing him to have a concussion.

There HE stood before me. D.O.N.K.E.Y. K.O.N.G. (Dimensional Overlord Negatively Killing Evolutionary Youth Kilowatt Operating Natural-Killer Gorilla), the strongest manbeast in the universe. In His own time, He had attained prestige as the greatest conservative talk show host in the United States after He had eaten Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck. After achieving his life goals of purchasing the Dallas Cowboys and eating a Philly steak footlong during the Super Bowl, He was inundated with cosmic energies which endowed him with supracosmic strength. Using this aforementioned galactic power, He was able to overthrow Justin Bieber and take His rightful place as Supreme Ruler of the Universe, until he read a truly bad fanfic which caused him to fall into a coma that lasted 100,000 millennia.

Until now…

"Are you the one who has disturbed my slumber?" K.O.N.G. inquired, his chocolate orbs staring daggers at me, which cut my very soul and left it bleeding and screaming like the sissy it was.

My spheres made of sapphire dragonfly shat darted to the left. Samusix stood nearby, her toothpick form trembling in rage and lust.

"God is most displeased with your decision, Gaius. You have now damned humanity to a fate worse than Iggy Pop."

The Almighty Ape leered at me like I was a banana in a bikini. "WELL?" boomed He in a voice like thunder. "ARE YOU THE ONE OR ARE YOU NOT?"

I spanked my eyes for their futility, forcing them once more to gaze upon K.O.N.G.. My orbs met his as he pulled me into a flaming world of Messiah Complexes, Fatal Attractions and Days Of Futures Past.

"K.O.N.G.," I said, Him willing my mouth to be opened, "My people are in their darkest hour. We have been forced into exile by the—"

"Cylonese Fangirls," he said with predatory purr and a constipated squint as he read my subconscious.

I nodded my headpoint in agreement. "Exactly. That's why—"

"I have been awakened…" he purred like a Neko Solid Snake as he paced.

He stopped and stared at me.

"I shall do as you ask of me, but first I must make preparations for war."

He let forth a rumbling fart and was propelled up through the ceiling by a rainbow that shot forth from his hindquarters. I stared at the hole in heaven as I reflected on my decision. I thought about Carly Rae Jepsen.

MOTHERFRAKKING END OF CHAPTER AWAKENING


	3. Chapter Hostile Takeover: Meet The New B

SUPEREN SMASHA BROTHERREN BRAWLANN

A BATTLESMASH GALACTIBRAWL FIC

By: Loke Groundrunner

Chapter Hostile Takeover: Meet the New Boss

I was still delivering my speech in the hotel room to the nation, lacing my lies with Tabasco sauce to make them more palatable. The people were feasting on pancakes made of religious frauds made of flour milled by the hands of a deranged government agent who loved to flick his cigarette lighter every waking moment because he loved torturing furries by tying them up and pouring corrosive spaghetti sauce down their throats while he stabbed them with sporks as he played Colbie Caillat on an 8-track that Jesus made that was stolen by Judas Iscariot and corrupted to the dark side of the Force.

Just then, a figure came crashing through the floor in front of me. He landed in a hunched posture next to the podium.

It was D.O.N.K.E.Y. K.O.N.G.

Using His mind, He shoved me onto a table where a group of senior citizens feasted on their pancakes. A spork was sticking out of the back of my head and a foon was lodged in my left knee. I giggled.

K.O.N.G. stood at the podium, His eyes spiraling galaxies of flame and bloodlust.

"People of the Twelve Colonies," He began, "I have heard of your plight and I intend to lead you back to the land of your forefathers. With my furious fists and wily wit, I shall punish the Fangirls for their crimes against the biosphere and we shall all feast on their flesh in the halls of triumph as we bowl with their skulls, knocking down the pins of oppression in the bowling alley of life!"

The crowd applauded the ape's auditory oration. I ate an old lady and her pancakes. K.O.N.G. continued on.

"You may be few in number and short in heart and stature, but I assure you all that my army is more than capable of driving back our hated adversaries."

He pounded His chest and shook His head. He stretched forth His arms and gave a mighty yell, shattering the fabric of reality. Stepping out from the crystalline shreds of space-time were Surf Nazis and fifty-foot tall mechas made of airplanes covered from horn to hoof in machine guns and grenade launchers.

"Frakking awesome," I muttered.

K.O.N.G. pumped a fist skyward.

"The day of reclamation is now at hand! The donuts of our victory shall be many and will be ripe with the custard of righted wrong!"

The audience burst into a standing ovation. I crawled on my belly, attempting to partake of a pancake with a spiraled black hair on its frontal end that had fallen on the dirtied linoleum. I was suddenly psychically grabbed by the hem of my skirt and lifted up in the fat air until I hovered before the podium.

K.O.N.G. stared at me with a malicious glint in his burning spiral galaxies. "But first, before we shall march forward into victory's glorious phosphorescence," he narrowed his orbs, "The old order must be purged."

Instantly, I was grabbed by the left leg of my overalls and pulled into the ape's grinning maw, where I experienced a pain that well surpassed listening to the musical works of Ke$ha. Moments later, my eyes opened. I was floating above the room, my spiritual form a pathetic excuse of anime anatomy. I could see the crowds below cheering as K.O.N.G. reduced my meatsack to bits and pieces of pulp fiction.

Then the world turned blue.

I was truly frakked. The whole world was truly frakked.

MOTHERFRAKKING END OF CHAPTER HOSTILE TAKEOVER


	4. Chapter Troglodyte & Chapter Lonely Boy

SUPEREN SMASHA BROTHERREN BRAWLANN

A BATTLESMASH GALACTIBRAWL FIC

By: Loke Groundrunner

Chapter Troglodyte: Cavemen Invented Stereos

Chapter Lonely Boy: Frak Jagger, I've Got Moves Like Carlton

I closed my eyes as I took in the thunderous acclamations of the people. I was free again! No more was I to float through the milky ether of nothingness, dreaming of bananacigars and the plasticized jungles I once swung through in times primeval. After what seemed to be endless ages, I was alive once more!

However, I couldn't stand around to savor the relish of victory. I had a mission to accomplish.

I snapped my toes. A portal appeared. I jumped inside with a hurrah, leaving my brainwashed devotees behind in their miserable world of fatty breakfast foods and half-truths.

Reality fragmented into 8-bit pixilated glory before reconstructing into boxy polygons of shonen goodness. I was in the Marianas Trench, being propelled forward by the booster rockets in my feet and the propeller attached to my coccyx.

I could see a whole herd of them swimming rhythmically up ahead. Fangirlius Cylonii Sirenia. The unholy bastard children of Cylonese Fangirls mated to manatees reading mermaid manga.

They must die.

I rocketed forward, setting my internal iPod to Jimmy Castor.

The freaks of not-nature saw my approach. Fear filled their glassy marbles as I jetted towards them. They prepared to shoot their mucus missiles at me, but I beat them to the draw. I ignited the afterburners in my nostrils and roasted the mutants with my flamethrowers, underwater. I took hold of their charred remains and feasted upon them, adding to my strength.

I channeled my new-found strength into my foot engines and jumped out from the heart of the sea into outer space, willing my rockets to shoot me beyond the troposphere. I flew about in the empty void, tasting the frozen yogurt that was the vacuum of space and loving every frakking second of it.

I then saw a fleet of Cylon Resurrection Ships and Baseships encircling Smashprica.

I knew what must be done.

I powered myself towards the accursed vessels, launching an endless barrage of finger, toe, fist and foot rockets upon them, dodging the futile blasts from seven squadrons of Cylon Raiders. I relished in my daring act of nonchalant stupidity as I witnessed the entire fleet erupt into beautiful blazing blossoms of flame whose not-life was cut to a timely end. I laughed as I saw the millions of Fangirl shells flying out into the void, screaming for naught.

I turned to the Raiders floating next to me like love-sick slugs and stared straight into their visors. I sneezed. They exploded.

I jumped onto a sweet potato meteor floating among the wreckage and flew close to Smashprica's atmosphere. I could see my armies, the Surf Nazis and the Deltagundam, fighting the Cylonese hordes down on the surface. A spear of sorrow pierced my heart, for my troops were weakening.

The time of intervention was now.

I set my internal iPod to The Black Keys.

I took a bite of my meteor. My mouth farted. I jumped off, falling through the atmosphere like a doped-up squirrel skydiver on spice. The flames of reentry tickled my iron-tipped fur, which refused to be consumed into their foul collective. My feet did make contact with terra firma, causing a mighty earthquake which leveled Fangirl-occupied Vancouver, killing the frak out of it.

I now stood in the midst of my armies. I could see the hatred and joy on their faces due to my sudden dramatic entry. The Fangirl Cylonish hordes stopped for a moment, their anime eyes and skank space armor becoming terrified at my magnificent manifestation.

They hardened their resolve. They let forth their battlecry and charged.

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!"

A Surf Nazi commander turned to me.

"Vhat shall ve do, Mein Fuehrer? Ze Fangirls continue zheir advance!"

Gluteus Maximus Prime, Lord Protector of the Deltagundam, voiced his doubts to me as well.

"Sam, we must act quickly! Shall I command my men to transmorph to Air Mode?"

I rolled my eyes.

"Frakking n00bs. Watch and learn."

I cracked open the peel of my mindbanana, allowing myself to become filled with cosmic energy. I hovered skyward, my back arching and arms becoming limp as spaghetti made of maggots. The eye sockets of the gorilla skulls on my shoulders and knees began to glow with unholy heavenly light. My back hatch opened up, revealing my bazookarocketlauncher. I opened my eyes, setting constellations aflame with their brilliance.

"DONKI FUREA!"

I fired my Donkey Flare, a blazing missile filled with all of my hatred for existence and gamer's angst. It flew into the sky and came crashing down on the rampaging Cylons, exploding into a transcendent halo of red and orange waves of destruction. The Fangirls' mouths hung open in a muted scream of terror as they were consumed by a wall of sheer whiteness.

They had squee'd their last. I cried. I laughed.

I watched as my Donkey Flare annihilated all of existence, fragmenting space-time into pathetically digitized bits and pieces.

I had not planned on this.

I sighed. "Always a frakking problem, isn't there?"

I raised my hands and summoned space and time. I gathered the fragments into a 16-bit sphere, kicked it in the crotch and told it to cut its hair and get back to work. It did just that. Reality convulsed and moaned, spiraling slowly back into a delicious corkscrew of frakked beauty before exploding into an outward expansion of double helix daggers and wish fulfillment fantasies.

I now was standing with my armies once again. We stared at the piles of dust that were once our foes and laughed jovially. I poured everyone a cold Bud from my headcurl tap and patted them on the back. We turned our eyes north. Teppelin loomed on the horizon. Our battle was far from over.

MOTHERFRAKKING END OF CHAPTER TROGLODYTE

MOTHERFRAKKING END OF CHAPTER LONELY BOY


End file.
